First Church of Cliques

I think I might plant a church.  It is going to be the largest mega-church ever.

I am going to call it the First Church of Cliques.

Here is what to expect on your first visit with us.  (Expect to be here for about 6 hours your first time.  There is a lot to do.)

As you drive onto our “Disney” size campus, you will find plenty of places to park.  However, watch where you park, follow the signs that take you to the first time visitor center.  You do not want to park in an area marked for other clique groups.  Take the tram marked “First Time Visitor”.  Warning: DO NOT get on just any other tram… it could end up a very unpleasant experience.

As you approach the main mega-auditorium, one of our hospitality greeters will direct you to where the first time visitors will sit.  Do not bother making conversation with the greeter, because they are there to fulfill their one hour of service we require from all of our members to do each week, so we can run this mega-campus.  You will likely never talk to this person again because they could be in another clique.

You will attend a worship service where you (by yourself) will eventually enjoy beautiful and inspiring music from whatever type you choose.  Choose, you ask?  Indeed.  Each seat in our sanctuary is a personal state of the art virtual reality capsule to help enhance your church experience.  No more church shopping, it can all be done here all at once.

You will log in by typing in your full name.  You will immediately be taken to a “Verify your income page”.  Please bring in two check stubs for verification.  The forms will be online to direct deposit whatever percentage of your pay that corresponds to the “clique” of your choosing, once a clique is finally determined.  After income verification, a screen will pop up with over 500,000 (and growing) cliques (denominations) for you to choose from.  If you know which clique you want to try to become a member of just search the alphabetized list and press the button underneath that says “clique here”.  If you have no idea which clique fits you, then you can fill out a series of questions that will help fit you into a certain clique.  If there is not a match after the series of questions are answered, then a new clique can be started by you.

However, once you have chosen which clique you want to try to be a part of, you will not be able to enjoy any of the virtual church service until you are accepted into the clique, or have “cliqued” with others.  Online you will find many helpful hints and tips to aid in fighting for acceptance within a certain group.  You will learn how to force yourself into certain “cliques”.  If you create a new clique, there are also online classes to help find new members.

Once you have “cliqued”, you will then be able to sit an enjoy the virtual church service of your choosing.  Choose your own music, worship style, sermon style, ect.  It will be exactly what you want to hear, and will aid in indoctrinating the members of your clique.

Later, after the virtual service, you can then get together with your clique in our many meeting facilities.     Afterwards, find your clique and enjoy the life and activities that only your clique can enjoy.

Thanks for taking time to “clique” with us.

I know this type of thinking is nothing new, because Paul was messing with all of this BS back in the 1st century.  He asked is Christ divided?  Well, what do you think the answer is to that question?

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